i'M IN SPADES WITH YOU
by Naoshiro
Summary: Oneshot crackfic. Who knew a measly fight over a ring would make Tavros find kismesis potential in John?


**DISCLAIMER: I don't own Homestuck.**

**Note:** I tried to replicate their typing quirk but… OTL I fear that I haven't made a very good job of it. Their typing quirks are just there to differentiate one from the other. So yeah. That's why I attempted using them here. o-o And besides, this is my first attempt at a Homestuck fic. orz I'm honestly _not satisfied_ with it, but meh. Practice makes perfect. XD

**Warning:** I may or may have not executed their respective typing quirks properly.

* * *

"gIVE ME THE RING!" Tavros screamed.

John had given Tavros' face a pap with one hand. He kept his hand there, careful not to let it too close to the troll's mouth. Sharp teeth did not bode well with the Heir of Breath's hands. His hammer-wielding did not stop being a thing, and in order for it to stay a thing, he had to keep his hands injury-free.

His outstretched hand forcibly turned Tavros' head to the side and kept him away from the ring as humanely possible, yet it didn't save his own face from the occasional frantic but light scratching due to troll claws. He silently wished that Tavros wouldn't scratch his eyes out or knock his glasses off by accident.

"no way! i found it first!" John had his other arm outstretched, his fingers holding the ring tightly and away from the troll.

Tavros managed to get John to stumble back with all his struggling. He also accidentally hit John's face with one of his enormous troll horns as he turned his head.

"guh!" John fell onto his back on the sand. His hand managed not to let go of the ring.

Tavros leaped onto him, still trying to grab the ring. John struggled under the troll's weight and began to think that those orange-red horns were the reason behind the heaviness. He began to wonder if Tavros ever had any neck pains to deal with if he had horns that large. No, that was none of his business. John wasn't supposed to care about a troll he just met. He snapped out of his thoughts and winced as Tavros' claws dug into his right cheek a little too deep, just where he was hit by the troll's horn.

Tavros found this human terribly irritating for not giving him the ring, but he never intended to make him bleed. He was torn between apologizing for what he did to John's cheek and propelling himself forward to grab the ring. Instead, he just straddled John on the sand while opening and closing his mouth in a futile attempt to speak, staring dumbly at the cherry-red blood.

John went still, staring wide-eyed at Tavros as his chest rose and fell faster than usual. Panic bubbled in his gut. _Is the wound that bad? Were his troll claws poison-tipped somehow? Is there something else on my face?_

Tavros didn't recognize the shade, but he was intrigued by it. Sure, it was a small amount of blood, but revealing cherry-red mutant blood to someone higher up on the hemospectrum where that particular shade did not even exist must have been embarrassing for the human. _Human…_

_"(tHIS IS STUPID.)"_ Tavros muttered, snapping out of his blood-induced trance. Humans might not even give a shit about the hemospectrum. For all Tavros knew, other humans might have the same weird shade of red as their blood color.

As soon as he moved against John to bring his hand closer to the ring, John yelped. Tavros' knee dug into his abdomen when the troll suddenly moved forward to reach for the gold band in his hand. John successfully rolled out from underneath the troll and shakily stood up, taking deep breaths. He patted his stomach with his left hand absentmindedly as he clenched his fist tighter around the ring. He saw Tavros sprawled out on the sand, probably knocked off-balance from his position when John had scrambled free.

The troll was getting more irritated the more he couldn't get his hands on that ring. He _needed _it. For Vriska. Marrying Vriska in human style matrimony wasn't going to happen if John kept hogging the ring. Tavros then blurted out something unexpected.

"uH, I THINK I'M IN SPADES WITH YOU." Tavros heard himself say this line and let it echo in his head. He actually felt pleased with himself, like it was a show of self-esteem. But then he glanced at John. The human was silent with his mouth slightly parted in surprise. He started to worry his lower lip with his upper set of fangs, his yellow eyes looking back and forth between the small gold band trapped within the human's warm hand and said human's shocked face. The urge to take the ring grew stronger as the silence stretched on.

John simply looked on at Tavros, dumbfounded. The young troll took this opportunity to try and swipe the ring from the human's hand as he pounced like a spotted growlbeast, but to no avail. John still stepped aside fast enough not to let his troll hands on it, letting Tavros fall face first on the desert terrain.

"_(oH MAN, THAT WAS, UH, LAME. VRISKA'S GONNA MAKE FUN OF ME WHEN SHE FINDS OUT I CAN'T GET MYSELF A PROPER KISMESIS… gIVEN HOW SHE MAKES FUN OF HOW I BELIEVE IN RUFIOH, WHO IS STILL VERY MUCH REAL TO ME, THIS IS GONNA BE WORSE IF I CAN'T MAKE THIS WORK OUT!)'"_

The Heir of Breath could hear Tavros whispering to himself quite audibly as the troll got up and spat out sand. John understood that this situation was quite similar to what Karkat tried to engage him in some time ago. He decided to deal with this kismesis thing the way he confronted the nubby-horned troll about it instead of absconding. He spoke as Tavros made a move to draw closer to John in order to take the ring.

"i am not a homosexual."

Tavros froze upon hearing an unfamiliar word. His fingers didn't even twitch when they were so close to John's clenched fist. Only his lips managed to move. "uH, WHAT DOES THAT MEAN?"

John sighed but didn't relax. Tavros might get the urge to swipe at the ring if he wasn't focused. On one note, this was really turning out a little like that situation with Karkat. He stepped back before facing Tavros, positioning his hand holding the ring near the small of his back.

"it is like, when a boy likes another boy. or i guess hates, in this case." John's slightly miffed expression never left his face as he gazed intently at the young troll.

"uH, HUMANS HAVE A WORD FOR THAT?" That was all Tavros managed to say.

"yes." John was kind of thankful that Tavros stopped in his attempts to grab the ring now that the troll was occupied with understanding the human concept of homosexuality.

But Tavros still tried pressing the issue. The rustblood really believed he could pursue a quadrant with a human like John. "uH, I REALLY THINK YOU COULD BE MY KISMESIS AND I COULD BE YOURS. iF YOU'RE OKAY WITH IT, I GUESS."

John massaged the side of his head with his one free hand. "look, i've already gone through this with karkat. sorry, but I'm not gonna be your kisme-whatever! i've tried my best to be culturally-sensitive about it, but i just can't take having almost every troll i meet want to kill me or push me into a quadrant i don't want to belong to!"

Tavros was about to open his mouth to speak when he heard Vriska shouting his name, looking for him. The male troll almost immediately stood right next to John, hiding his hands behind his back. John thought Tavros' actions were making them both look suspicious.

Once Vriska came over, John learned more about ghosts, Vriska informed the human about the existence of a last boss of sorts, John felt a little bit like a tool for being one of the last to know about Lord English, and John thought Tavros might have been pretending to have the cerulean-blooded troll as his girlfriend. John was somehow relieved that Vriska paid no mind to his wounded cheek. If ever she did notice the wound, she didn't speak of it.

And now, John was starting to regret hiding the ring behind his back.

While Vriska kept talking, Tavros resumed his attempts to grab the ring from John. Tavros would often smack, touch, or poke John's ass by accident. Or at least, John wanted to think they were accidents. The Heir of Breath increasingly felt embarrassed and thought that the troll was doing this on purpose to push them both into a caliginous quadrant. The troll was starting to think that it was John's own fault for lowering his hands right behind his butt.

* * *

**Naoshiro:** I know I half-assed this fic. orz But reviews, either good or bad, would still be awesome and greatly appreciated. XD


End file.
